Have you ever noticed how easy it is to extend compassion to other people and how difficult it can be to offer that same compassion to yourself?
A friend makes a mistake – You understand
A loved one struggles – You show empathy
Someone you care about has a hard day – You remind them they’re human
But when it comes to your own mistakes, struggles, and imperfections? The tone often changes.
Suddenly, you’re held to a completely different standard. This is where the Borrowed Lens Skill can help.
The Borrowed Lens is a simple exercise that helps you step outside your usual perspective and view yourself through a different set of eyes. Because sometimes the way you see yourself isn’t the only way to see yourself.
Why We Need a Different Lens
Imagine looking through a camera with a smudge on the lens. Everything you photograph will appear distorted. The problem isn’t the subject. The problem is the lens.
When we’re anxious, depressed, ashamed, grieving, or overwhelmed, our perspective can become distorted in a similar way.
We begin to notice:
- Mistakes
- Failures
- Rejections
- Shortcomings
While overlooking:
- Growth
- Effort
- Resilience
- Progress
Psychologists refer to these patterns as cognitive biases.
They’re common.
They’re human.
And they often make it difficult to see ourselves clearly.
The Borrowed Lens exercise helps us temporarily step outside those biases.
What Is the Borrowed Lens Skill?
The Borrowed Lens involves viewing yourself through the perspective of someone else.
Not to determine whether they’re “right”.
But to gather additional information.
Think of it as collecting multiple camera angles.
Your perspective matters.
But it isn’t the only perspective available.
Lens #1: Your Best Friend’s Lens
Imagine your closest friend is describing you. What would they say? Would they focus on:
- The typo in your email?
- The awkward thing you said three years ago?
- The mistake you made last week?
Probably not. More likely, they’d describe:
- Your kindness
- Your effort
- Your loyalty
- Your resilience
- Your sense of humor
Many of us hold ourselves accountable for things our friends barely notice. Ask yourself: “What would my best friend say I’m overlooking right now?”
Lens #2: Your Future Self’s Lens
Now imagine yourself five years from today. Your future self has survived things you haven’t faced yet. They’ve gained wisdom you don’t currently have. Looking back at this moment, what might they say?
Perhaps: “I know this feels huge right now, but it won’t always feel this way.”
Or: “You spent so much energy worrying about things that eventually worked out.”
Or: “You were stronger than you realized.”
Future-self exercises are powerful because they help us zoom out from today’s emotions and reconnect with the bigger picture.
Lens #3: Your Younger Self’s Lens
Imagine your younger self meeting the person you are today. What would they notice? Would they see:
- Someone who survived difficult experiences?
- Someone who kept going?
- Someone who learned things they once thought impossible?
Many people become so focused on where they haven’t arrived that they forget how far they’ve come. Your younger self would likely see progress that you’ve stopped noticing.
Lens #4: The Compassionate Observer’s Lens
Imagine a neutral, compassionate observer watching your life. This person isn’t judging you. They aren’t criticizing you. They’re simply paying attention. What might they notice? Perhaps:
- You’ve been carrying more stress than usual.
- You’re doing your best with limited resources.
- You’re grieving something important.
- You’ve been showing up despite exhaustion.
A compassionate observer often sees context that self-criticism ignores.
A Real-Life Example
Imagine you made a mistake at work. Your immediate thought is: “I’m terrible at this.” Now, try the Borrowed Lens exercise.
Best Friend Lens: “You made a mistake. Everyone does. You’re still good at what you do.”
Future Self Lens: “This won’t be the thing that defines your career.”
Younger Self Lens: “You’re doing work that once felt completely out of reach.”
Compassionate Observer Lens: “You’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and one mistake doesn’t erase years of effort.”
Notice what changed. The facts didn’t change. The perspective did.
What This Skill Is Not
The Borrowed Lens is not about convincing yourself that everything is wonderful.
It’s not toxic positivity.
It’s not pretending difficulties don’t exist.
It’s about recognizing that self-critical thoughts often provide only one interpretation of reality.
And one interpretation is not the same thing as the whole truth.
When to Use This Skill
The Borrowed Lens can be especially helpful when you’re experiencing:
- Self-doubt
- Imposter syndrome
- Shame
- Relationship anxiety
- Perfectionism
- Grief
- Depression
- Major life transitions
Any time your inner critic becomes the loudest voice in the room, it may be time to borrow a different lens.
Try It Today
Think of a situation you’re struggling with right now.
Then ask:
- What would my best friend say?
- What would my future self say?
- What would my younger self notice?
- What would a compassionate observer see?
Write down each response. You may discover something important: The way you see yourself is only one perspective. And when you’re hurting, overwhelmed, or scared, our perspective isn’t always the most accurate one available. Sometimes the clearest view comes from borrowing a different lens.
References
Ayduk, Ö., & Kross, E. (2010). From a distance: Implications of spontaneous self-distancing for adaptive self-reflection. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(5), 809–829. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0019205
Beck, J. S. (2021). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Hershfield, H. E. (2011). Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1235(1), 30–43. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1749-6632.2011.06201.x
Kross, E., & Ayduk, O. (2011). Making meaning out of negative experiences by self-distancing. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20(3), 187–191. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721411408883
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Leave a comment