If you’ve ever been in therapy, consumed mental health content on the internet, or spent approximately seven minutes around a therapist, you’ve probably heard some version of:
“Try sitting with the emotion.”
Cool.
What does that actually mean?
Are we sitting on the couch together?
Do I need to offer my anxiety a beverage?
How long are we sitting here?
And perhaps most importantly: when does it leave?
I tell clients to “sit with” emotions all the time. But I also recognize that, without an explanation, this can be incredibly vague advice.
So let’s talk about what we’re actually trying to do.
First: What Sitting With an Emotion Is NOT
Sitting with an emotion does not mean:
- Thinking about the situation over and over again.
- Analyzing why you feel this way for three hours.
- Convincing yourself that you shouldn’t feel this way.
- Trying desperately to calm yourself down.
- Doing nothing about a problem that actually needs to be addressed.
- Forcing yourself to stay in an unsafe situation.
- Making yourself suffer because apparently that’s “healing.”
- Waiting patiently for the emotion to disappear so you can finally say you did therapy correctly.
That last one is important. Because sometimes we secretly turn acceptance into another emotion-control strategy.
Fine. I’ll accept my anxiety…
Okay, I accepted it…
WHY AM I STILL ANXIOUS?
That’s not really acceptance.
That’s anxiety wearing a tiny fake mustache pretending to be acceptance.
So What Are We Actually Doing?
Sitting with an emotion means allowing an emotional experience to be present without immediately trying to escape it, eliminate it, judge it, or obey it.
That’s it.
You’re essentially practicing: “This is what I’m feeling right now, and I don’t have to make it go away before I decide what to do next.”
This idea shows up across several evidence-based approaches to therapy, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), mindfulness-based approaches, and exposure-based treatments.
Research on emotional acceptance generally suggests that being willing to experience thoughts and emotions without immediately judging or trying to eliminate them is associated with better psychological functioning. Research has also found that acceptance-based approaches can influence how people respond to emotional distress and may reduce avoidance.
Notice what I didn’t say: Acceptance guarantees you’ll feel better immediately.
It doesn’t.
Sometimes sitting with sadness still feels sad.
Anxiety may continue feeling like anxiety.
Anger may continue feeling like anger.
The skill is not: How quickly can I get rid of this feeling?
The skill is: Can this feeling be here without completely running the show?
Why Do We Have Such a Hard Time Doing This?
Because uncomfortable emotions are…
well…
uncomfortable.
Groundbreaking information, I know.
When something hurts, our brains naturally want to do something about it.
So anxiety shows up and we seek reassurance.
Sadness shows up and we distract ourselves.
Shame shows up and we start mentally reviewing everything we’ve ever done since approximately 2007.
Anger shows up and we send the text.
Uncertainty shows up and we Google.
Fear shows up and we avoid.
None of this means you’re doing anything wrong. Avoiding discomfort can provide relief in the short term.
The problem is when “I don’t want to feel this” becomes “I cannot tolerate feeling this.”
Now the emotion itself becomes the emergency.
Instead of simply experiencing anxiety, we experience anxiety about being anxious.
Instead of sadness, we have:
I shouldn’t still be sad.
Instead of anger:
I’m a terrible person for feeling angry.
Instead of uncertainty:
I have to figure this out right now.
We’ve added another layer.
Sometimes sitting with an emotion is really about not adding that second layer.
Step One: Notice What’s Happening
Before you can sit with an emotion, you have to realize you’re having one.
This sounds ridiculously obvious. It is not.
A lot of us notice our reactions long before we notice the emotion underneath them.
You might notice:
I need to text them.
I need to know whether they’re mad at me.
I need to explain myself.
I need to cancel.
I need to fix this.
I need to figure this out.
Try slowing down enough to ask: What am I feeling right now?
Maybe it’s anxiety.
Maybe it’s shame.
Maybe it’s disappointment.
Maybe it’s loneliness.
Maybe it’s anger.
Maybe it’s several emotions stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat.
You don’t have to identify the exact perfect emotion.
“Something uncomfortable is happening” is a perfectly acceptable starting point.
Step Two: Notice Where It Shows Up in Your Body
Emotions aren’t just thoughts. They have physical components too.
You might notice:
- Tightness in your chest
- A pit in your stomach
- Heat in your face
- A lump in your throat
- Tension in your shoulders
- Restlessness
- Heaviness
- Shakiness
- An urge to cry
- An urge to move
- An urge to escape
Instead of immediately trying to change the sensation, see if you can simply notice it.
“My chest feels tight.”
Not: “MY CHEST IS TIGHT AND THIS IS TERRIBLE AND I NEED TO MAKE IT STOP.”
Just: There is tightness.
You’re observing what your nervous system is doing without immediately declaring a five-alarm emotional emergency.
Step Three: Name It Without Judging It
Try:
“I’m noticing anxiety.”
“I’m feeling embarrassed.”
“There is a lot of sadness here.”
“I’m angry.”
Then notice what your brain adds afterward.
I’m angry…and I shouldn’t be.
I’m anxious…which is ridiculous.
I’m jealous…which makes me a bad person.
I’m sad…but other people have it worse.
That’s judgment.
Try separating the emotion from your opinion about having the emotion.
You don’t have to approve of an emotion.
You don’t even have to like it.
You’re simply acknowledging: This is what’s here.
Research on acceptance specifically emphasizes this nonjudgmental relationship with internal experiences. Studies have found that people who habitually accept their thoughts and emotions rather than judging them tend to experience better psychological well-being and less negative emotional responding to stress over time.
Step Four: Don’t Immediately Do the Thing
This is where sitting with emotions gets particularly useful.
Emotions come with urges.
Anxiety might say:
Check.
Shame might say:
Hide.
Anger might say:
Attack.
Sadness might say:
Withdraw.
Guilt might say:
Fix it immediately.
Fear might say:
Get out.
Sometimes those urges contain useful information.
Sometimes they don’t.
Sitting with an emotion creates a little bit of space between:
I feel this
and
therefore I must do this.
Maybe you’re anxious that someone is upset with you.
Your urge is to text: Are you mad at me?
Instead of immediately sending it, you notice:
I’m anxious.
I feel uncertainty in my body.
I really want reassurance.
And then…you wait.
Not because reassurance is morally wrong.
Not because you’re trying to torture yourself.
You’re practicing learning: I can experience uncertainty without immediately resolving it.
That’s sitting with an emotion.
Step Five: Let the Emotion Do Whatever It’s Going to Do
This may be the hardest part.
You aren’t sitting with an emotion until it goes away.
You’re sitting with it whether it goes away or not.
Maybe it decreases.
Maybe it stays the same for awhile.
Maybe it increases before it decreases.
Maybe you feel something else underneath it.
Your job isn’t to control the trajectory.
Your job is to make room for the experience.
Research comparing acceptance and suppression is useful here. Some studies have found benefits of acceptance for distress and avoidance, including research involving people with anxiety and mood disorders. Other studies have found more complicated results, reminding us that no emotion-regulation strategy is universally superior in every situation.
In other words, psychology has unfortunately not discovered one weird trick that makes feelings disappear.
Rude.
The broader goal is flexibility: having more than one way to respond to your emotions instead of automatically needing to escape them.
Step Six: Ask What You Want to Do Next
Sitting with an emotion doesn’t mean staying there forever.
Eventually, we ask: Okay. This emotion is here. What do I want to do now?
Not: What will make this emotion disappear?
But: What response makes sense?
Maybe you need to solve a problem.
Maybe you need to communicate.
Maybe you need to set a boundary.
Maybe you need to apologize.
Maybe you need rest.
Maybe you need support.
Maybe you need to do absolutely nothing.
Maybe you need to go to Target.
Okay, Target probably isn’t an evidence-based emotion-regulation intervention.
But you get the idea.
The important part is that your next action doesn’t have to be dictated entirely by your desire to escape the feeling.
“But How Long Am I Supposed to Sit With It?”
There isn’t a magic number. You don’t get bonus therapy points for sitting on your couch experiencing existential dread for 45 consecutive minutes.
Sometimes practicing for 30 seconds is meaningful.
Sometimes it’s five minutes.
Sometimes sitting with an emotion means noticing anxiety while you continue making dinner.
It doesn’t always require stopping everything you’re doing and having a formal mindfulness experience.
You can notice: Anxiety is here.
And chop an onion.
You can notice: I’m really disappointed.
And take a shower.
You can notice: I feel embarrassed.
And continue participating in the conversation.
That’s actually part of the point. The emotion can exist while life continues.
Sitting With an Emotion vs. Rumination
This distinction matters.
If you’ve spent 45 minutes thinking:
Why did they say that?
Maybe they meant this.
But what if they meant that?
Why am I reacting this way?
What does this say about me?
What should I have said?
Maybe I should text them.
No, don’t text them.
But maybe—
You are probably not sitting with the emotion. You are sitting with a PowerPoint presentation created by your anxiety.
Sitting with an emotion tends to bring you toward the present-moment experience.
Rumination pulls you deeper into the story surrounding it.
Try shifting from: “Why am I feeling this?”
to: “What does this feeling actually feel like right now?”
That might mean noticing the tightness in your stomach rather than solving the entire relationship.
A Simple Way to Practice
The next time an uncomfortable emotion shows up, try this:
Notice
Something is happening.
Name
I’m noticing anxiety/sadness/anger/shame.
Allow
I don’t have to make this disappear right now.
Notice the urge
What is this emotion telling me to do?
Wait
Can I give myself a little space before responding?
Choose
What do I actually want to do next?
That’s sitting with an emotion.
It’s not passive.
It’s not giving up.
And it definitely isn’t enjoying the feeling. It’s practicing the ability to say: “I can feel this without immediately needing to fix it.”
The Goal Isn’t to Become Really Good at Feeling Bad
Ultimately, we aren’t trying to build a life where you spend significantly more time sitting around experiencing unpleasant emotions.
That would be a terrible sales pitch for therapy.
We’re trying to make emotions less powerful by making them less threatening.
An emotion can be uncomfortable without being dangerous.
It can be intense without requiring immediate action.
It can give you information without giving you instructions.
And sometimes the most powerful thing you can do when an emotion shows up isn’t to solve it, challenge it, analyze it, distract from it, or make it disappear.
Sometimes you notice it.
You name it.
You make a little room for it.
And then you keep living your life while it sits beside you.
You don’t even have to offer it a beverage.
References
Campbell-Sills, L., Barlow, D. H., Brown, T. A., & Hofmann, S. G. (2006). Effects of suppression and acceptance on emotional responses of individuals with anxiety and mood disorders. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(9), 1251–1263. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.10.001
Ford, B. Q., Lam, P., John, O. P., & Mauss, I. B. (2018). The psychological health benefits of accepting negative emotions and thoughts: Laboratory, diary, and longitudinal evidence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 115(6), 1075–1092. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000157
Levitt, J. T., Brown, T. A., Orsillo, S. M., & Barlow, D. H. (2004). The effects of acceptance versus suppression of emotion on subjective and psychophysiological response to carbon dioxide challenge in patients with panic disorder. Behavior Therapy, 35(4), 747–766. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0005-7894(04)80018-2
Raugh, I. M., & Strauss, G. P. (2025). Implementation of mindfulness-based emotion regulation strategies: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Affective Science, 6, 227–246. https://doi.org/10.1007/s42761-024-00281-x
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